something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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