i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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