Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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