I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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