On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize