ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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