let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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