I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Text me some of your sweat
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