if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
