wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I look better un-naked...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
