My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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