Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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