Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
