I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Your cock deserves a montage
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
