if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
