I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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