Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
