i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
