he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
