best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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