Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
