So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
