My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
