Nicole vs. Life
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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