note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So. Much. Porn.
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