I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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