then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
