i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
