just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
