i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You made out with two different species that night
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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