my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
