i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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