I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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