On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
