Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
