you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
