Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
