i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
