Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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