I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I think my fart just growled at me.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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