Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
