At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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