did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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