I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i think i scared a bird with my dick
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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