I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
