My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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