someone threw a dead crab at me
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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