Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
