I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
