no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
