Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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