This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
