I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize