This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
