Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
ok first of all what the fuck
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
