a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
