Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
