Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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