I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I have so many feelings about this burrito
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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