Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
