you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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