bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
