It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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