I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize