I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
