If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
