I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
