i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize