She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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