standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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