I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
