I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
