there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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